Penis Talk

Lately, Hazel's been thinking a lot about penises. I'm not really sure why. Today at the library, she wanted to read the boy version of Once Upon A Potty, and more than once, she reminded me that Joshua, the story's main character, had a penis. She likes to review who has a penis in our family, and who doesn't. The last few days, she's been more verbal about it than usual.

Overheard in the bathroom on Saturday morning, as Mike was finishing up his shower:

Hazel: Dada, is it time to go on our bike ride, yet?

Mike: Almost... I'm not quite ready. And neither are you. You need your shoes and a jacket, right?

Hazel: Right!

Mike: And I need to put my clothes on. I can't go outside like this.

Hazel: Yeah! Nobody wants to see your penis!

And tonight, in the middle of her favorite bedtime story, which, rest assured, features no penises, she declared:

"I would be so proud to have a penis, and stand up and pee. I wish I had a penis. When I grow up, I want to have a penis!"

Usually she says she wants to be a musician when she grows up. But hey, peeing while standing is pretty cool, too. Dream big, Haze. Dream big.

Don't Leave Violet Alone With Your Blueberry Muffin

She will slowly make her way over to it, her sing-songy sweet nothings becoming louder and more excited as she creeps over, tiny hands slapping the top of the coffee table, tiny feet moving faster and faster. Grunting her approval of your muffin as she examines it on the plastic Ikea plate that you neglected to push to the center of the table, she will hesitate only a split second, before cramming the entire thing into her mouth. Fear not! Violet never chokes - waste not, want not is her motto. She will suck on your muffin for a second or two, before spitting it onto the carpet. She will then proceed to smash it gleefully, the wet, spongey crumbs coating her hands as she shovels the now bite-sized morsels into her mouth, again and again. She will devour every last bit, including the paper, and that which somehow eludes her ravenous mouth will be languishing in her nose, ears, hair and neck folds until you reclaim what's left of your muffin at bathtime.

10 Weird & Random Facts About Myself.

I got tagged ages ago, and I'm just now getting around to doing this. This one's for you, Apartment Number One.

1. I am afraid of the dark, and I am afraid of birds.

2. I can fit my entire hand, right or left, into my mouth. It's my stupid human trick. Do you have one?

3. I am an extremely guilty former vegetarian who loves sausage, but can't bear to eat anything off the bone.

4. I am the "offbeat" "hippy" in my family - the one everyone thinks is "eccentric" with "weird taste."

5. I am secretly (and this is just between you and me) delighted by Number 4.

6. I am friends with all of my exes. There aren't that many, but still, I feel like that's an accomplishment.

7. I made the first move on my husband.

8. Once, when I was 21, or 22, I shaved my head. Buzzed it. For no good reason, really. It was strange, and sort of liberating.

9. I am certified to teach English as a foreign language, and once moved to Prague, Czech Republic to do it. I travelled Europe for close to a year, all by myself, and it ruled.

10. I have three tatoos, and I intend to cover them all up with bigger, brighter ones, plus get a fourth.

Can I pretty please tag a few people, too? GGC, Childbearing Hipster, and Western Electric, I'd really love it.

If Only These Came In My Size, Too...

May I recommend shopping at Hot Topic for all your baby needs? I got these awesome shoes for Violet there yesterday. It was a toss up between these and a cute, black Ramones tshirt, but only for about two seconds, because she's already got a tshirt that compliments these shoes nicely. She's so cool.

Super Baby

It's official:

Brangelina is breeding, and they're due with their first biological child this summer. They are already adoptive parents to two of the most beautiful, well-named children I've ever seen - this next one is bound to be more of the same.

Following Baby Brangelina's birth, Hazel and Violet might just lose their place as the cutest kids in the world. *GASP*

...Oooohhh, I jest, I jest... no kid will ever be cute enough to trump my girls in the cute department, even if it is sired by Brad "Hottest Man Who Ever Lived" Pitt. Baby Jolie-Pitt'll be a close second, though, mark my word.

I Want My (Direct) TV!

Remember when I kicked up a big ruckus a few months ago about cutting the (cable) cord, cutting way back on screen time, and being a better family for it?

Yeah... that's over now.

Last week we had a brand, spankin' new Direct TV satellite dish installed on the roof, and our new (blessed!) TiVo activated, and to say that we are in love with it would be the understatement of the year. It makes me a bit of a hypocrite, I know, but hey... I've been called worse.

The thing is, if you are 3, you can only watch the same DVDs so many times (and your mother can only watch you watch the same DVDs so many times). I aim to not let Hazel watch more than an hour of TV everyday... but some days that hour turns into an hour and a half. Some days I'm sick. Some days she's sick. Some days are those days. And some days I just can't stomach the absolute drivel that PBS passes off as "quality" kid's programming. Barney? More like Barfey. Dragon Tales? Try Dragon Shit. These shows are condescending and crappy, with not one iota of educational material between them. And the commercials! Commercials on public television! They're not hawking Barbie or that hideous Disney Princess crap - yet - but McDonald's and Chuck E. Cheese ads don't exactly warm my heart, either. In short, PBS is no match for Noggin, and I'm happy to have it back. And being able to record Hazel's favorite shows and play them whenever... well, I don't need to tell you how hard that rocks, do I?

Mike and I have been enjoying giddy, commercial-free evenings TiVo-ing The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, Campus Ladies (my new favorite show), Austin City Limits, and whatever HBO has to offer. There are yoga shows for me, baseball games for him, there's pay-per-view for everyone, and don't even get me started on the XM radio channels. All this, and we are paying less than half of what we payed to have bare-bones Comcast cable.

So, yeah, we're hypocrites... but we're happy. So I'm okay with it. Plus, we're counting the days until the new season of The Sopranos starts... for us, it doesn't get much better than that.

To Wheel or Not To Wheel?

Have you heard of the 'Better Behavior Wheel'? I hadn't either until about 10 minutes ago, when I was scanning the recent articles posted over at Blogging Baby, and I came across this one.

Like the author of that article, I, too, and fed up with what I know is typical 3-year old behavior - the whining, the tantrums and the "testing" of "boundries," and I need it to stop, or at least taper off a little, now. Like, two weeks ago, already. And I just don't know what else to do; we've tried the reward system. We've tried taking priveledges away. We've tried reasoning, bribing, threatening and yelling.

What we have not tried is this peewee gambling, this toddler roulette. Could it really be as simple as this?: Hazel kicks Violet. Hazel spins The Wheel. Wheel tells Hazel to clean the baseboards. Hazel stops kicking!

Methinks not.

However, there is a part of me that thinks this is an interesing discipline tool. Something about having disciplinary tactics (I hesitate to call them "punishments," but I guess that's what they are) pre-written, and having Hazel dole them out to herself when she and I both know that her behavior is inappropriate, strikes a chord. Hazel is the type of kid that thrives on concrete, black and white information. A+B=C. Period. I can see how The Wheel would appeal to her sensibilities.

But is it just me, or does it seem a little cold? And does it seem a little weird? If so, why? Help me process this. Cuz I don't want to harm my child, but seriously? I'm 'bout to go off. And is it wrong to be taking child-rearing tips from this lady?