Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Nothing Is Coming Up Alisyn


Lately, everything I touch turns to crap. No, really. Do not let me into your house. Do not let me hold your purse! Take your blenders, your hairdryers, your battery-operated toys, and hide them if you see me coming.

It all started a couple of weeks ago, when Hazel and I went on a date to a friend's birthday party. We were running late, as usual, and because the party was SF, in a neighborhood with notoriously bad parking, I was anxious to leave earlier that I normally would have. Hazel and I argued a bit because she insisted on wearing one of Violet's dresses (I caved). I had trouble deciding whether or not my skirt was too sparkly for a late morning party.

We made it out the door and into the car, but had not moved the car twenty feet yet before... CRRRRRRUUUUUNNNCH. I bumped the car parked directly across from our driveway, on the other side of our very narrow street. Living on a fairly busy street, and not knowing very many of our neighbors, I had no way to know whose car it was. I had to get out, and leave an apology note and my contact information. Mike came out and took some pictures of the (minimal, thankfully) damage.

Shaken, but determined to get our date on, Hazel and I struck out again for San Francisco. We made our way peacefully, signing Hazel favorite Dan Zanes songs. After a full half hour of looking for a parking spot in our friends' new neighborhood, we finally scored a crappy one, six blocks away from our destination.

Now, I'm a former city dweller, so I know how to take my parking lumps like a man. But if you ask me, the only thing worse than walking six blocks, in espadrille wedges, with a 3 1/2 year old in a size 18 months frock ("Mama, this dress is hurting my throat!"), is returning to your car with the 3 1/2 year old all jacked up on frosting, and finding that some complete jerkwad has gifted you with a massive dent, and a hideous scratch on your passenger side rear door. The jerkwad didn't even leave a note. No note! Nobody waiting for me to return to my car to take responsibility for their dumbass move. No one to repay me my good car karma.

Mike tried really hard not to be upset, and kindly told me he didn't blame me at all, but I still felt terrible. I mean, it looks really bad. And truthfully? We're the kind of people that just shudder at the thought of spending hundreds of dollars on car body work -- there are just so many other places that money could go. So my cute, black Subaru wagon will be a little less cute for a while. Jerkwad, if you're reading, you best 'fess up.

To cap my week off right, I tripped over the garden hose one hot afternoon while Hazel and I were gardening, and sent our digital camera crashing face down onto the sidewalk. That poor thing's taken a beating since we got it four years ago, but I think I may have finally KO'd it for good. When the little door slides open to reveal your previous pictures or show you what you are currently aimed at, nothing happens. No pictures. No little square in which to frame your shot. Just a gravelly, greyish splotch of weirdness, and a big-ass crack.

Two weeks later, Mike and I set out, with all our friends, to enjoy The Flaming Lips show at the Greek Theater on the Berkeley campus. It had been over 100 degrees that day, and I tried to stay hydrated, tried to do everything right. But the crippling heat, combined with the cross-campus walk to the venue, my one measly beer and the massive crowd resulted in me passing out directly in front of the stage, in front of.. oh, I don't know.. a few thousand people. I don't know if you've ever passed out or not, but it's horrible. I thought I was dying. I was totally out of it the rest of the night, and the whole next day. I saw some of the show from the medical tent, though, so that was cool. But the night was pretty much a wash.

Last weekend, I had my first windsurfing lesson, against my better judgement. I was considering calling it off, not wanting to decapitate myself, my teacher, or anyone else within a ten foot radius. Shockingly, I was rather good at it, and despite taking the sail to the head more than once, the only injury sustained all day was when I tore my foot up on a rock under the water. No one died. Nothing broke. All things considered, it was not bad. Not bad at all.

I thought that with the dawn of a new month, my karma might shift into slightly less dangerous territory. And I guess it did, kind of. No one's been hurt in the last two days. Nobody passed out or crashed a car. But the vaccum shorted out and died yesterday, sending sparks spraying out over the carpet. By some totally un-Alisyn-like stroke of luck, it did not result in a house fire. The three year old cordless phone also went belly up, as did my trusty old laptop.

Looking on the bright side, the kids are all right. The dog's alive. Mike's not thinking of divorcing me... yet.

But seriously, what the hell? What is this about? Am I paying for some abuse I inflicted on some innocent electronic devices in a former life? Am I just a huge spaz? Is summer just not my season?

I don't know, but something tells me I should not left in charge of two small children all day... alone. Cooking. Driving. Operating household appliances. I fear that it will end badly.

10 Comments:

Blogger mama snee said...

I got to see the Afghan Whigs from the Medical Tent-ish area in Cincinnati in College. I felt like a dork, but had a much better view.

Hope your Midas stuff reverses.

2:37 PM  
Anonymous supersugarstar said...

ya know something? i think that the vacuum, the oven, the phone, and the laptop have to be connected. they have to be. you need to look into that, talk to your landlord.

6:38 PM  
Blogger Kat said...

I totally and completely feel you on fainting in public. We were on vacation in CS, visiting by BF's sister a couple of winters ago. The day in question started with a wee bit of carsickness, then a couple of hours in the desert to see some Joshua Trees, then a ride up a gondola to the top of a mountain for some dinner. Between the empty stomach, the altitude and the heat blowing on me, I just lost it! Fell right over while waiting in line for food. The world just went dark.

Afterwards, the BF's sister got angry that it happened and made it all about her. Needless to say, the incident has stuck with me.

8:05 AM  
Blogger one smarmy mama said...

hey, well now we have matching cars though!! :P

email me will ya?
nerdynight@yahoo.com

9:15 AM  
Blogger Stefania Pomponi Butler aka CityMama said...

Shit, seriously? I feel terrible...

7:57 PM  
Blogger Catherine said...

OUCH! I was going to share my own empathetic stories about a car dent and fainting, but I'm thinking you just need a nice glass of wine and maybe a bubble bath... so long as all the electrical appliances are not in the same room.

Good vibes coming your way. :)

12:19 AM  
Blogger Zoe said...

I overheat and pass out from it quite a bit (not before throwing up though), so I have a lot of experience with it.

May I suggest that you REALLY pay attention to your body when you first notice you're not feeling well? That will leave you time to possibly pour water over your head and in your mouth so as to avoid the passing out. Or at least, it'll leave you time to get somewhere that will be a safe place to pass out. Like a bed or chair, or anywhere that you won't hit your head when you hit the ground.

My sign that I have less than 30 seconds that I'm going to pass out is I hear a rushing sound, like being underwater, and my eyes are open but I can't see anything but blackness. If the answer to "Are my eyes open? Because I can't see" is "Yes" then I sit down RIGHT THEN.

Sorry about your car karma. FWIW I thought your skirt was really cute.

11:51 AM  
Blogger lesley said...

i blame the heat! it ruins everything.

p.s. laura passed out cold on the sidewalk in front of our house the other night. with about 15 jamaican children running around her and trippin' out. and she layed down in the dirt. it was awful.

8:58 AM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Oh no, what a month! I think it's something going around the universe - a karmic infection of sorts. Just keep looking on the bright side, even if you are doing so through the rear view mirror of your poor, battered car.

6:54 AM  
Blogger Debbi said...

Sending positive karma your way. Sorry everything is blowing up around you. Sometimes it does seem to come in big waves of disappointment doesn't it? I think the wine is an excellent idea. At least if you blow something up enough wine will make it damned humorous. It'll all work out it always does. Keep the faith!!!

HUGS and much love -- Debbi

1:44 PM  

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