Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Fart Joke: A Play in One Act.

Scene: The women's bathroom at the Metreon.
Characters: Hazel, Alisyn, Mystery Farter

Hazel: Ew, Mama, it's stinky in here!

Me: (Cringe) Shhhhh. It's a bathroom.

Hazel: But Mama, it smells like poop!

Me: (Cringe, whispering) Hazel, lower your voice. You're right, it is a little stinky. Just pee, please, and then we can leave, okay?

Hazel: Okay... (Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle.... tink)... Done!

Cue amazingly loud, juicy fart from the next stall.

Hazel: HAAAAAAAHaaaaaaahahahahahaaa! She TOOTED!

Me: (Cringe, gag, whispering) Hazel! Shhhhh!

Hazel: Hahahhhhaaaa! She didn't say EXCUSE ME when she FARTED!

Me: (Cringe, gag, trying not to giggle) Hazel! Stop! (Rushing to pull her pants up, wash hands and get the hell out of there before Mystery Farter) C'mon, let's wash up and go.

Hazel (taking her sweet-ass time): Mama, I want the pink soap, not the sandy white kind.

Me: Let's just use whatever they have, okay?

Hazel (hanging back by the stall): Hey, Mama, can I touch this? (hand hovering by seat liner dispenser)

Me: (hissing) NO! Come wash up.

Hazel (hand hovering by sliding door lock): Can I touch this?

Me: NO!! Hazel, come wash your hands, NOW.

Hazel: But Mama, you didn't let me do the flush with my foot.

Cue flush from Mystery Farter's stall.

Me: (in my I-mean-business-tone)HAZEL! Come wash your hands NOW! I will not ask you again.

Hazel: Okay, okay. Mama, do they have the pink soap that I like?

Me: Yes! Come get some!

Cue Mystery Farter's exit from stall. Mystery Farter is a tall, fortysomething tourist with a banana clip holding her frosted hair back and a faux Louis Vuitton fanny pack. Mystery Farter meets meets my gaze, then Hazel's in the mirror above the sink as she walks to the door. Mystery Farter pauses to address Hazel heavily, and with great irritation.

Mystery Farter: Excuse me.

Mystery Farter cuts out without washing or drying her hands.

Hazel (after my laughter subsides): That lady didn't wash her hands!

Me: But she did say excuse me for tooting!

Hazel (putting two and two together): ....Yeah! That's good manners!

... And, end scene.


Anonymous March said...

I love your blog, and even though I had never left a comment I am now cause this post is just too funny... you had me laughing so hard... I love Hazel!!! can't wait till my 2 yrold talks as fluently (she talks, we just don't undestand yet...)
Thank you for sharing your blog, it's great writing!

6:25 PM  
Blogger lesley said...

hahahhaahaha. I'm dying over here!!

9:39 AM  
Blogger Binky said...

That is beyond hilarious. I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to my daughter hitting that age or if I'm dreading it...

12:13 PM  
Blogger Green said...

That is hands down your funniest post you've ever done; I love it. You made me laugh at work! Bravo!

A special bravo to Hazel for her part in shaming MF into saying excuse me.

P.S. Who still wears banana clips?

1:44 PM  
Blogger you say laura, i say gretchen said...

har har har!! this is hilarious!!!!

3:29 PM  
Anonymous Karen said...

I can't beleive she even said anything back to you!! great story! and ps. I like your new tattoo. I'm too big a chicken to ever get one...

1:17 PM  
Blogger happygal said...

This is great! i nearly wet my pants laughing....

9:13 PM  
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5:51 AM  

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