Oscars 2006: The Night TiVo Betrayed Me

Everybody is talking about how boring the Oscars were, but I rather enjoyed myself. As a big fan of The Daily Show, I particularly enjoyed host Jon Stewart. His smarmy, self-depricating, shot-in-the-dark humor sits well with me. Plus, I think he's totally cute. He was obviously out of his element, but I think he made it work, although he sure could've used a little Stephen Colbert sidekick action up there.

It must be said that the main source of my excitement this awards season, besides playing the self-appointed lead role in Fashion Police: 2006, was TiVo. And I do mean was. See, we didn't actually watch the telecast live, but followed about two hours behind, so we could fast forward the commercials and really boring speeches/technical shout-outs and "honorary" awards. Good plan, right? Right. Except for the part where the ceremony ran longer than it's scheduled 3 hours and TiVo stopped recording during the Best Actress Oscar presentation. AAAAaaggghhhhhrrrrrrrr! F*ck you, Tivo!! TiVo and I are not on speaking terms today. Not only did I miss Reese's Best Actress acceptance speech, I also missed the awards for Best Director (I *heart* Ang Lee!) and Best Picture (O, Brokeback, too bad! so sad!). And the winner of the f**k you award goes to... TiVo!

Lucky for me, E! will have the best parts of the ceremony, plus red carpet interviews and fashion hits and misses, on endless loop for the next week. But still. Half the fun is the anxiety, that split-second after the envelope is opened, but before the name is called. And the speeches can be really boring, but they can also be really touching, especially when the award recipient is truly suprised and a little shaken up, a la the Wallace and Gromit guys, with their little bow ties for their statuettes (British humor -- you either love it or hate it). I love it when they give hearfelt thanks, as when Philip Seymour Hoffman, one of my long time favorite actors, dedicated his award to his mom. I love that shit! I heard Reese's speech was a little contrived and that Ang Lee's was lovely, but again, I'll have to wait to see it today on E!. Double f**k you, TiVo.

Despite the fact that I'm working with a slight handicap, having missed the last, and in my opinion, most important part of the show, I still feel confident enough to present:

The Salad Days Loves and Hates of Oscar 2006:

Loved, loved, loved Michelle Williams in saffron. Loved Salma Hayek in electric blue. Loved Felicity Huffman, Rachel Weisz and Hilary Swank, in black. Loved Jennifer Garner's nursing boobs. Loved Paul Giamatti's dork chic glasses. Loved Will Smith's vest, Lauren Bacall's drunk tussle with the teleprompter, and Will Farrell with Steve Carrell in the worst makeup ever. Loved Tim Burton's crazy hair and red shirt and ever present blue glasses. Loved Ben Stiller's green screen bit. Loved Meryl and Lily, loved Jake Gyllenhaal and his uberhotness, loved Keira Knightley va-va-vooming it up. Loved Jon Stewart's opening short film. Loved Joaquin Phoenix all surly in his black suit. Hell, I just love Joaquin, period. Yowza!

Bored, bored, bored by Nicole Kidman's dress. Bored by Reese, whose dress would've looked amazing on someone taller and more striking, but just overwhelmed and washed her out. Bored by Naomi Watts' weird net dress thingy. Bored by Uma Thurman (what was that eye makeup about?), Jennifer Aniston, who has no business being at any Oscar ceremony, and bored by George Clooney -- yeah, okay, he's cute, but what else you got? Bored by Sandra Bullock, although the pockets on her dress were kinda cool. Bored by the musical numbers -- man, what a snoozefest. Bjork should be nominated every year, just to keep things interesting. Bored by Luke and Owen Wilson presenting... something... bored by most presenters, actually. The dialoge is just so trite.

Hated, hated, hated, Jennifer Lopez's severe hair, puke-green dress and insane fake tan. Enough with the fantasy tans, people! You look like you're made of clay. Hated Helena Bonham Carter. You can get away with a lot if you're with Tim Burton, but hello? Dynasty called -- they want their hair and wardrobe back. Hated Charlize Theron's fashion nightmare. Who gave her the green light for that dress, Edgar Allen Poe? Hated Jessica Alba. The dress was lovely, but homegirl needs some In n' Out pronto. Hated poor Maggie Gyllenhall's weird beigeness. Hated Heath Ledger's facial hair and they way he kept fixing Michelle Williams' hair. It looked creepy. Hated that Paul Giamatti didn't win Best Supporting Actor, although I understand that his nomination was just an apology for snubbing him for American Splendor and Sideways, both of which showcased what a phenomenal actor he is. Hated that Frances McDormand didn't win Best Supporting Actress because I think she should win an award for just about everything she's ever done, but I was happy enough just to see her looking cool and casual next to her hubby, Joel Coen, the finest filmmaker in the world. Hated that Brokeback Mountain lost to Crash, which was actually a fine film, but... I really thought it was the year of the Gay Cowboy. Oh, well.

In any case, next year, I'm going to do Oscar the old fashioned way: live. With friends and snacks, maybe a little Oscar pool. But no TiVo -- TiVo's red carpet pass has been revoked. TiVo is on probation like Isaac Mizrahi, and better watch it's damn step. Stay tuned til 2007, folks.