Tuesday, November 15, 2005

An Open Letter to Julia Roberts and Jennifer Garner

Dear Jules and Jen,

Ladies, the media has brought it to my attention that you both have (or are about to have) baby girls. Congratulations! Mothering a baby girl can be a huge thrill, and will certainly be a huge responsibility, what with all the nursing (you are nursing, aren't you? Please, let's set a good example, girls..), diaper changing, and sleepless nights. But it can be exhilirating too, and one of the most exciting parts of having a baby girl, for me anyway, was deciding on a name for her.

That being said, Julia, I have a bone to pick with you. You just had to go and name your baby girl Hazel, thus taking a quiet, below-the-radar kind of name, and slapping it on every the front page of major publication in the western hemisphere. I can kind of forgive you, since Hazel is such an awesome name. I mean, I'm not saying you don't have great taste, because you totally do. But that still doesn't take the sting out of people saying, upon meeting my Hazel, "Oh, like Julia Robert's daughter!" People have actually said that to me, Jules, thus diminishing some of the uniqueness of the name, in my opinion. I'm willing to wager that no one ever says "Oh, like Alisyn's daughter!" when you tell them your daughter's name. And that's not fair, because I used it first, dammit! I wouldn't have played you like that, Julia. Just so you know.

Jen, according to Celebrity Baby Blog and Us Weekly Magazine (credible sources, I know, but usually pretty spot-on about stuff like this), you and your goofball husband Ben Affleck have chosen the name Violet for your baby daughter, due any day now. Again, it's understandable - Violet is a great name; unusual, but not too outlandish. And considering that there have been a few pop culture characters named Violet this year (Violet from The Incredibles, Violet from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory), it's not too surprising that you have caught on to its possibilities. But do you think I could persuade you to choose another name, so as to avoid the frustration I experienced with Julia (see above)? Perhaps some of the other names we had in mind for Violet might tickle your fancy: Clementine Affleck sounds mighty nice. Matilda Affleck? Not to shabby! May Affleck - a fine moniker. I have several more suggestions, Jen, should none of these suggestions fill the bill. But please, reconsider using Violet. It's really just much too cool for you. I mean, no offense, but - Ben Affleck? Seriously?

Thanks, girls.

10 Comments:

Anonymous heidi said...

HAHA ALyson that is hilarious...and I agree...as I was reading I was thinking hey! Alyson's Hazel is first not Julias! I got all defensive for you. And yes, poor Jen clearly was desperate and settled down with the first chain smoking-not-more famous-than-her-actor she could find.

7:44 AM  
Blogger Debbi said...

Ali, you are a total riot. I missed Julia's new baby's name. Try to think of it as a big honor that a celeb thought your daughter's name beautiful enough to share with her own. As for Benifer's kiddie I agree, using both of your names is pushing the celeb envelope. However, Matilda... I don't know I picked it first and was okay about letting you guys use it since my whole family grimaced when I suggested it for Hannah. Which by the way looks like the girl who played "Mathilda" in the movie. (Ironic?) Anyway, for you and Mike I'll share the awesome name that was my grammies middle name, but Benifer I think not. I say let them by a baby name book. Crystal Affleck or Brittany Affleck or Bella Affleck (that one actually has a nice ring to it) I agree. Leave Violet alone! Can we start a petition. :)

10:42 AM  
Blogger Stefania Pomponi Butler aka CityMama said...

Let's just hope that since it leaked to the media that it's entirely untrue. Hands off Violet! (and all the other "old lady cool" names that SOME OTHER KID might have.)

12:01 AM  
Blogger llamaschool said...

I clearly remember standing in line at Safeway last fall and reading on the cover of some tabloid that J.R. had named her daughter "Hazel." My reaction: shock and confusion, because Julia Roberts isn't near cool enough to name her daughter Hazel.

3:36 PM  
Blogger GIRL'S GONE CHILD said...

agreed. you have great taste and perhaps a spy in your basement. i'll be hating on them bitches on your behalf.

4:18 PM  
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